Down the Rabbit Hole

video entry: amsterdam #3

2010-04-08T19:05:00.001+02:00

video entry: amsterdam #2

2010-03-11T17:11:00.002+01:00

biking in the rain haikus

2010-02-28T12:22:00.004+01:00

biking through puddles

sheets of water spray around

it's worth the wet socks

whipping my face like

dull needles that never leave

stinging for hours

when i finally

feel i'm truly dry again

i must ride once more

the poncho-clad dutch

bright orange flying like capes

are smarter than i

gray february

with months of wet days ahead

i dream for dry times

um, new house?

2010-02-21T17:31:00.004+01:00

yah, so yesterday carrie and sean signed a lease on the house that we will all be living in next semester! more info/pictures to come, but basically it's a mile from campus (but walkable) and quite close to the commons and collegetown. for such an extreme fuck up on me and emma's part for not submitting our on-campus forms on time, it worked out quite perfectly!

update shmupdate

2010-02-18T02:42:00.000+01:00

AN UPDATE of things I have learned/done/seen since i've been in Amsterdam (officially 3 weeks):

I love ringing my bike bell at pedestrians in the bike lane. it gives me a false sense of power and any excuse to use my bell is good for me.
Tonic water tastes like gin to me which lead me to think for an entire night that I had (accidentally) relapsed on a sip of gin.
Dutch people are much taller than me, in general. I'm used to being one of the 'taller' girls, but no longer!
Thursday night is (un)officially take out night. 2 weeks ago was 5euro pizza, last week was thai, tomorrow we shall see!
Tuesday night is (un)officially drag-queen-bingo night at 'The Queen's Head'.
Van Gogh's paintings are 100x more amazing in real life. just sayin'.
Daily bike rides to/from school/meetings helps my depression. It only took me 5 years to figure out!
I have yet to have a major bout of homesickness. Everyone says that it is coming, but I am still waiting!
I am officially detoxed off of coffee--I will have 1-2 shots of espresso every few days or so, but am no longer drinking 20-30 oz a day. This also means that drinking a cup of coffee at 8:30pm will make me WIDE AWAKE at 2:30am, hence this entry.
I am pretty sure I am no longer a tourist here, which is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world! My housing permit should be arriving any day in the mail!
Even though I am (for the most part) quite happy here, I need to remember that I am still an alcoholic, suffer from depression, and cannot 'let up' on self-care just because I am feeling better.
Had my first fall the other day on my bike. Very minor, but I doubt it will be my last!

Anyways, that is all for now. Tot ziens!

--Rose

lazy blog-writer rose

2010-02-13T19:54:00.001+01:00

benton harbor blues

2010-02-08T00:43:00.002+01:00

why do i always break my own heart? i keep falling in love with him over and over and purposefully forgetting all the times he's said he doesn't want me. what the fuck is wrong with me???? why do i do this over and over??? i think i have a death wish because i don't know how many more times i can do this. it breaks me a little bit more every time. love is going to make me crumble.

lost in amsterdam

2010-02-04T15:25:00.002+01:00

so wednesday night i had an experience that everyone should have at least once when they move to a new place--i got lost. except mine was not a 'daytime lets get lost on foot and find our way back again', mine was a 'on my bike for 2 and 1/2 hours at night'. side note: do not choose the 'back-way shortcut' if it is your first time getting somewhere on a bike and it's night time. needless to say, i got terrifingly lost--not just that i couldn't find the place i was going to (today i realized i must have circled the block a few times), but i got so turned around that i was getting into an area that i couldn't find on my map and the area was getting less urban. needless to say i totally freaked out, but followed the signs that took me back to central station. and now i would have to say i am a bit more confident on my bike!

video entry: amsterdam #1

2010-02-02T17:53:00.000+01:00

amsterdam: take 1

2010-01-29T00:25:00.000+01:00

so here is my first entry from the netherlands! instead of a synopsis of my 2 days here, i thought i would just give some bullet points of things that are different/interesting/unique that i've noticed about amsterdam and such. also, bullet points are much more fun to read than long paragraphs of writing

bicycles: there are SO many here--475,000 I believe, even though there are only 760,000 people. i will hopefully be purchasing one within the next week or so. they are between €50-100, but it is practically unheard of here to not have a bike. it's the most practical means of transportation, and there are separate bike paths and tons of bike parking all throughout the city. i may wait to get one til it gets a little bit nicer however, as it has been particularly cold/snowy/icy, and i have no experience biking in snow/ice.
dutch: i guess i did not realize that, although everyone can speak english, most everyone speaks dutch to one another and all of the signs are in dutch. i wish i had learned some before i got here, and am going to try my best to get into the dutch language/culture course that is being offered, even though i did not sign up for it at first. it was a bit difficult to go grocery shopping today--me and my roommate lauren had to pretty much guess what most things were by the pictures on the box/container.
beer: although not the biggest deal in the world, i purchased beer for the first time! i owed my roommate some money and so bought her a bottle of beer at C1000, the supermarket by our apartment complex. it was quite surreal--i was not I.D.ed, and it was surprisingly normal feeling. hopefully this will be the last beer i buy in amsterdam, unless i am treating someone to a drink :)
euros: they are fun to use and much prettier than US money! this is my first time off the continent, and haven't used foreign currency since the last time i went to canada. unfortunately the exchange rate is crap and the bank charges me a shit ton to withdraw cash, and it is very uncommon that stores will accept credit cards/debit cards.
architecture: it is some of the most amazing i have ever seen, unlike anything in the states. we went on a canal tour (there are 165 canals in amsterdam) with my study abroad group. i cant even explain how wonderful it is. i took some pictures which i will post soon.

i will write more later--right now i am exhausted and need to get up at 8:00 tomorrow to get to UVA(universitiet van amsterdam) for continued orientation. fun!

--rose

insanity

2010-01-24T08:51:00.000+01:00

remember that lovely definition of insanity which is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? i just re-realized that i am insane. and how literally this definition defines most of my sexual conduct. i was looking through some facebook photo-album from back in california and a picture of isaac pops up, and all i can think is what a fucking asshole. luckily my next thought was no, i'm the fucking asshole. if insanity can be defined as 'fooling around with the same person over and over and expecting different results' then i think i have found the definition to define my sexual conduct. this guy is the same asshole he was the first time i met him in the summer of 2008. the first time we hook up and he treats me like shit, he's the asshole. the second time we hook up and he treats me like shit, i'm the idiot. the third time, well... i need to get my head checked. this definition can pretty much be inclusive of all of my relationships with people--sexual or not. expecting someone who has always treated me the same way to somehow begin to appreciate my presence in his life is insane. hoping that he will change, waiting around until they do, doing the same things over and over and hoping that this time it will be different is masochistic behavior, and i need to remember that. i need to remember that i am an insane, masochistic, codependent girl, and that i'm going to continue to do the same thing over and over and over until i change something. i guess i just need to get in enough pain before that can happen.

500 days of summer

2010-01-23T05:46:00.003+01:00

so, i just saw this movie, and i have to say that it struck me in a way i was not expecting. usually, i do not like romantic comedies. they are unbelievable and the characters tend to be unlikable and slightly pathetic. but this story was... true. it was true in the way that you have to see it to understand. the male character played by joseph gordon-levitt was like me, if i was a guy. he falls so in love with this girl who just isn't quite as in love with him back. this is simplifying it, but it made me sad in a way that i can only describe as hopeful. one of my favorite quotes from the movie was "just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn't mean she's your soul mate". something important to remember. this is not a movie review--i wouldn't even know how to begin to review a movie, this is simply trying to make sense of how i feel right now, having just watched this film. it is certainly not a love story in the usual sense, but it is a true story about love. you should see it, if you can. it's not the best movie i've ever seen, but it does say something true.

video entry? whaaa?

2010-01-21T06:03:00.000+01:00

...

2010-01-19T07:32:00.001+01:00

depression is a bitch.

oh, lonesome me!

2010-01-17T21:07:00.000+01:00

i'm beginning to come to full terms with the fact i am alone. it's not necessarily in itself a horrible thought, although i'm not going to lie and say i have never cried over the idea. it's one of those things that is just beginning to be real for me. i know that people love me, in a way. my friends care for me, but i know that we are all so wrapped up in ourselves that we can never give all that we would like to. i've just spent so much of my life giving myself to others. i know that they have never asked it of me, and the fault is my own, but i've never felt that anyone has loved me quite as strongly as i have loved them. it has been one of the saddest realizations that i've ever had. that i have given so much love to others and vary rarely, if ever, has it been reciprocated. i feel done. i know that we can't change our true natures. i wish that i could will myself to never fall in love again. i can't take another semester like this one. i never want to love again. but i think i am addicted to the feeling--a friend once told me (i am going to butcher this fact, forgive me) that the brain reacts similarly to the feeling of falling in love and when you use cocaine. no wonder i loved cocaine so much! i do not know where i am going with this anymore, but i am ready to accept the idea that no one might ever love me as much as i love them. and that no one will ever know me the way that i know myself. that's just the way it is. god, i feel so fucking sad. i'm done with feeling sad most of the time. i'm tired of sending love letters that will never be replied to. i'm just so tired, so so tired. and i'm beginning to lose faith that things are going to change.

back in the south/a postsecret

2010-01-17T07:03:00.002+01:00

i feel sad every day knowing a secret like this will never be written for me and i will be the one waiting.

so it's been awhile...

2010-01-12T22:50:00.003+01:00

i keep getting ideas for things i want to write entries about, and then i either forget or am too tired. but here are some things that have happened in the past week, or things that i have been thinking about.

i saw avatar on 3d and it was great! i want to see it again.

i've been watching hella 'jersey shore'--it's awful and addicting and i'm loving it!

i leave for amsterdam in 2 weeks from today. it hasn't hit me yet. at all.

i feel lonely. i'm not ready for any of this...

rose

facebook, take 2

2010-01-09T03:56:00.002+01:00

so, i activated my account. let's hope i don't regret it. it's just that everyone has been telling me it's one of the best/only ways to keep in touch when i am abroad and meet/network with people when i am in amsterdam. and as long as i am in fit spiritual condition, facebook should not cause me any more anxiety than i usually feel. it is at least nice to know that i don't need it. and that i was very happy without it. and to tell you the truth, if i wasn't going abroad, i would probably not have activated my account. i'm just already worried i will feel isolated and out of touch in europe, so why not keep up all the connections i can. we'll see, we'll see.

rose

zzz

2010-01-06T06:37:00.002+01:00

i'm so tired... i'm so tired of being tired. i sometimes forget that i have sleep apnea, and that it has an effect on my day to day life. also that i suffer from depression, and that it also has an effect on my day to day life. i don't know. i just want things to get better, but i guess i don't seem to be willing to do too much work. i'm just so... uncomfortably comfortable in this place. i don't know. i'm kind of scared, but then i also don't care. i wish i cared more about myself.

wacypaa!

2009-12-31T08:48:00.003+01:00

western area conference of young people in aa, here i come! i'll be in eugene, oregon partying/recovering it up with other kids from alaska, arizona, california, colorado, hawaii, idaho, montana, nevada, new mexico, oregon, utah, washington, wyoming, as well as british colombia/yukon territory/alberta and parts of northern mexico. i'll be back at the computer late sunday night, but until then, happy new years! i'm sure i will have some sort of meaningful new years post soon after i return.

--rose

i'm feeling rough, i'm feeling raw, i'm in the prime of my life

2009-12-29T07:45:00.002+01:00

i've heard that smell memory is the strongest of... memory stimulants, so to speak. but i was in the car yesterday, listening to the radio (as my dads car has no other form of music-playing), and a song came on that gave me such a feeling, a feeling that i think i will probably always associated with this song/artist. and the more i think about it, the more i realize how music, up there with the smell of an ex-lover or best friend or former home, is one of the hugest triggers for me. not necessarily in a bad way, but simply that not all, but a lot of the music i listen to have very specific memories associated with them, some so much that i again feel what i felt then. i remember, the last project for my senior year of high school english class was to make a time capsule of our high school experience. i, of course, made a mix cd, chronologically documenting the music that i had listened to in high school and memories that were associated with them (also in the time capsule included my in-patient hospital bracelet, letters i had written myself, ticket stubs, mementos, etc.). i still have the playlist, and as much as i know many of you didn't know me in high school, it may give you an idea of... my journey. all of these songs continue to give me a visceral reaction.

1. street to nowhere--camino lenada

they were a local band from oakland. in 8th grade, before i started doing drugs and drinking and being genuinely miserable, i used to love to go see live music, not simply to do drugs in the bathroom, but to enjoy the music. i still know all the words to this song. this represents a time when music perhaps meant the most than it ever had up to that point

2. the beatles--in my life

this song meant the end of childhood as i had known it. it was our 8th grade graduation song. the beatles were a huge part of my childhood, and definitely represent a time of innocence for me. the transition from middle school to high school was a pretty extreme one.

3. jets to brazil--sweet avenue

i got introduced to this song the summer after 8th grade. was one of my favorites for a long, long time, and went on most mix-cds that i made for people throughout high school.

4. elliott smith--say yes

i remember listening to this song with emma and joy on the bart train, high as all hell. this was my first elliott smith song, the very beginning of freshman year. this was before things got... ugly.

5. gravy train!!!--sippin' 40z

this was when things started to get... interesting. this reminds me of smoking cigarettes on the street corners before/during/after school with rockabilly mel and gay-coke-dealer jake. this is when life felt like one big party. a snippet of the lyrics: "for me the drink was made, and i won't ever trade"

6. elliott smith--needle in the hay

sweet, sweet depression overcomes me. elliott smith is obviously a big influence in my life, as i have this title tattooed on me.

7. the postal service--the district sleeps alone tonight

coke-dealer jake burned me their cd first semester of freshman year. i remember crying in my dark room at my dads apartment listening to this album, and this song especially. a very beautiful but sad song for me.

8. pedro the lion--rapture

jake also burned an mix cd with their music for me. this song brings me right back to the deep depression of freshman year of high school. i didn't realize at the time that this song was about cheating on his wife, but looking back, that is what doing drugs was like for me, and horrible love affair: "we've gone too far/we've done too much/we have to quit it//just one more kiss/just one more touch/please ten more minutes"

9. mirah--make it hot

this is my favorite mirah song. she toured spring of 2004, my freshman year, and it was the first show that i was allowed to go see since i had been grounded/busted/on house arrest. this is my favorite mirah song, and i remember her playing at the show, and i remember being sober and realizing how amazing it was to experience music not completely fucked up. arlene introduced me to her.

10. nick drake--place to be

this song brings me into sophomore year of high school, and brings me straight to the fall, when we had p.e. at the bowling alley for our bowling unit. we had to walk 7 blocks or so, and i was so shy and lonely that i would put on my headphones and read while i walked. i remember listening to this album on repeat while reading 'life of pi' in the foggy fall afternoon.

11. radiohead--creep

this was at one point, every 15 year old anorexics anthem. and i was no exception.

12. wilco--hummingbird

june, the end of my sophomore year of high school, my dad bought me and emma tickets to see them at the greek theatre in berkeley. i remember i wanted to go to gay prom, but it was on the same night. this song reminds me of that summer night, holding emma's hand and listening to them playing this song with my eyes closed. it is, to this day, the best live show i have ever seen.

13. harry and the potters--save ginny weasley

summer after sophomore year of high school, they played outside of the main library in san francisco. i remember being happy for the first time in awhile. harry potter has also been a big part of my life, throughout all of this. laugh all you want, but it was important.

14. le tigre--viz

this song is about being visibly out. i remember listening to this song and realizing what it was about, and being hella proud.

15. jesus christ superstar--superstar

one tradition that we had with my mom was watching this movie on easter. it is, to this day, the main educational source i've had about christianity. the end of my senior year, the original actor who played jesus in the 70's film was playing jesus again in the musical, and my mom got us tickets. it was one of the more positive memories i have of my mom.

16. van morrison--sweet thing

i don't remember why i put this song on the mix cd exactly... but i do remember when it was put on a mix cd for me senior year, and how wonderful it made me feel. certainly my favorite van morrison song, and perhaps one of my favorite songs.

17. david bowie--heroes

cheesy, but i ended the mix with this song because i remember being hopeful at the end of high school, hopeful that things were going to be okay and that i was going to be okay. this song still gives me a feeling like that.

at the end of this, i feel exhausted. it always is exhausting to remember. i usually try not to think about high school too much, because in many ways it was a miserable, miserable time. i spent the first two years of it trying to die and then the last two trying to get well, and was back at square one at the very end. it really is quite an odd idea, to think that the past 6/7 years or so i have spent either dying or recuperating. maybe that's a bit too morbid, but it's how it feels.

also, in case you were wondering, the song i heard on the radio was 'time to pretend' by mgmt. that song, as well as 'kids', makes me remember summer of 2008, isaac ronald rice, and the events surrounding him and my inevitable relapse. that was quite the summer.

and with that, goodnight!

and at the end of the day...

2009-12-27T09:36:00.000+01:00

i'm still sad.

merry christmas fuckers

2009-12-25T20:51:00.000+01:00

nearly christmas

2009-12-24T08:33:00.002+01:00

does anybody actually read this? i mean, i guess i write for myself more than anything else but, still, guess it would be nice to think people were interested.

i have such anger in my heart right now... an anger that

moves straight into deep longing into forgiveness and back into rage. i need to get past it. i fucking need to, because i can't be on this roller-coaster for much longer. it's just... the crazy, selfish alcoholic that i am, i still think that i know what's best. i can't just let it be and trust that everyone is being taken care of. i just wish that i wasn't able to love in any meaningful way. so much of life would be different. and right now that is all i want, to not be able to love like i seem to always do.

and the saddest thing is that no one has ever been in love with me. no one has ever felt the way i have felt in the same way i have felt about them. i am 20 years old and no one has ever said 'rose, i'm falling in love with you'. and i know that life is supposed to be long and i'll have plenty of time to love, but really, who knows how long we'll be here? how much longer i could be

alive? i don't want to die without being in love with someone who is in love with me back. the thought of it makes my body ache.

the bay area

2009-12-23T07:15:00.000+01:00

so... we made it. finally, after 2 days of delays, an airport 3.5 hour drive from ithaca, a 3 hour layover in charlotte north carolina (in which my mom drove up from winston-salem to go out to lunch with us), and first class all the way for being delayed so much, i've come home! however, i am already in such an awful, awful mood. i'm sure it will pass. more to come. right now i am jet-lagged and resentful and exhausted and poorly fed (not underfed, however). blergh.

lament

2009-12-21T01:49:00.002+01:00

i feel like shit... this is what i get for eating shit food all day, taking 2+ naps, and not changing out of the clothes i slept in. and i couldn't shower because i already packed up everything, because our flight was supposed to leave this morning. but... there is a huge storm in southern new england so we can't get out til tuesday morning. in buffalo. and ive been having fits of the cryings all day. i can't deal with emotions. and i'm going through caffeine withdrawal in addition to multiple rejections and sitting in an empty apartment all day. blank walls and nothing in any of the drawers... it's so miserable. it's fucking sinking into my skin, this emptiness. i just want to go back to the way things were a week ago, just one week ago, when the idea of packing my apartment and writing papers and all that shit was looming but not all-encompassing. and i can't seem to be able to accept help or even human touch. i cringe when my father touches me even though i love him so much... what a selfish, selfish disease depression is.

cutest baby in the world

2009-12-18T20:58:00.000+01:00

for you, joey

quickie!

2009-12-18T15:18:00.004+01:00

a quick update, for all of you that religiously read my blog and are just dying to know what i've been up to (sarcasm, no?). I am 12 pages into a 15 page paper that is due in under 3 hours. my apartment has to be completely packed and emptied in the next 48 hours, and the presents/mix cds i had intended to finish have not been. i've gained 5 pounds in the past 3 days or so, as i have not been cooking for myself. i feel insane! and it is fucking cold out.

--rose

(arts &) CRAFTS!

2009-12-13T18:46:00.019+01:00

the same-old

2009-12-10T20:27:00.005+01:00

the whole right side of my neck is swollen and painful and it's difficult to swallow... i don't know what that is about, but if it keeps up for another day or so i'm going to start to worry. it's probably just stress. from the fact that i have two papers due tomorrow, one that was due today, and tonight i'm going to go out to a photo exhibition instead. i just want to go to sleep and not wake up. i realize i say that whenever i am in a miserable mood, but it always seems to be the only thing i want to do in times like these.

nothing else is interesting. i kind of want to just leave ithaca this weekend so i don't have to deal with any of these fucking goodbyes. especially to the seniors who i may never see again for all i know. i am just restless, irritable, and discontent. i'm fucking done. i feel like i am in that place i've been so many times before, where when around other people all i want is to be alone, and when i'm not with anyone i'm so fucking lonely and depressed. and i can't be happy for anyone because i'm just wallowing in self pity. i'ma drown in it if i don't make some sort of change.

pleasure please!

2009-12-08T21:16:00.004+01:00

so i am still coming down off of the insane ride that was writing the literature review for my my research methods sociology class. the topic that i ended up landing on was something along the lines of 'sex education, pleasure education, masturbation, and adolescent girls'. quite a lot of variables to examine for my future research fall of senior year, but i'll cross that bridge when i get to it. as painful as it was to do all of the research--especially to figure out WHAT i wanted to research--i feel even more passionate about the subject now than when i began. i think i'm even more convinced that i want to go into some sort of sexuality education work. not like a sexologist or a sex therapist, but some sort of advocate for adolescent sexual health, whether that be in the schools or through a non-profit or something. i mean, i feel so incredibly far away from a 'career' but in reality it is in the near future. oh dear god.

something i am worried about, though, doing all this research on sex, then writing about it, then talking about it is... what if i get bored of the whole idea? what if sex is no longer exciting and fun and wonderful anymore? what if all i ever think about during sex is how to conceptualize and operationalize an orgasm?? i think i will have to talk to some sex educators and ask them about their sex lives before i delve into that profession.

the snow

2009-12-06T06:13:00.004+01:00

so i officially feel like shit tonight. i just am ridiculously hyper-sensitive and self-centered. and have recently been crying over even the smallest sadness or disappointment. i don't think it's healthy. in fact, it's embarrassing thinking my neighbors hear me bawling through the walls on a regular basis. i guess it's some sort of release. i just hate being vulnerable, and have a lot of difficulty crying in front of others, excluding joe for some reason, who i tend to cry in front of on a regular basis. i just wish, often, that i could turn it off--the sadness, pain, fear, passion, intense emotion, all of it--life would be easier.

on the other hand, it snowed today for the first time this year. it was very beautiful, and i stood outside on our balcony for too long, to the point that my bare feet were aching. but i needed to feel alive--its fucking stupid and cliche, but i needed to feel something, something disassociated from anything emotional. it was nice. i might do it once more before i go to bed tonight. just to remember.

seagull

2009-12-04T16:08:00.000+01:00

i guess you would not call them 'sea'gulls in ithaca, but it seems the most appropriate name, so i will call them that anyway. anyways, this morning during my 8:45am walk from the gardens to the campus center for work, there seemed to be a LOT of them on campus, doing their gull thing, flying around and pecking for worms and all that stuff. all i could think the whole walk was 'one of you fuckers better not shit on me'--and no worries, they didn't. but right at the end of my walk, i saw a certain seagull that made me sad, as he had no right foot. he was hopping around on the pavement, moving a little bit slower than his peers, but doing alright. it made me sad though, and i can't stop thinking about him, and how a seagull would lose a foot, or if he was born without one. i guess these things happen. so i don't know what the point of this story is, except that i am grateful to have all of my limbs entact and working. guess you never know when you could lose a foot.

step 3, perhaps?

2009-12-03T06:43:00.000+01:00

my life is so fucking unmanageable. i feel powerless over everything--it feels like an avalanche of rocks is tumbling down on me and all i can do is wait to get crushed. i think it's time to get back to basics, and make a list. what can i say, i'm a list person. pro's and con's list especially.

things i am powerless over:

other people (their choices, actions, feelings, behavior, etc.)
my depression
my body (hunger, fatigue, desire, my weight/shape, etc.)
school
my mood (moods swings, loneliness, etc.)
money (not working next semester, housing, travel, etc.)
my thoughts (fantasies, morbid reflection, suicidal thoughts, etc.)

and now i need to take action... this semester i have drifted so far away from any sort of dependence on a power greater than myself, and this is where it has gotten me--desperate, depressed, heartbroken, and hopeless. i'm not a religious person by any sense of the word... but without a belief in a higher power i am lost and am bound to commit the same mistakes of the past. i never, ever want to go there again. and i hate that it takes a state of utter despair to make me willing. but what can i say, i'm a stubborn unteachable motherfucker.

so, a prayer for the night--excuse the biblical overtones--the message is one i need to remember, and is one of my favorites:

god

i offer myself to thee, to build with me, and to do with me as thou wilt

relieve me of the bondage of self, that i may better do thy will

take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those i would help

of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life

may i do thy will always

inquiry

2009-12-02T23:17:00.002+01:00

so i've been looking at other blogs, and began to wonder... what is it that people like to see in the blogs they read? what would get more than 6 people to follow by blog/make sure those 6+ people continue to be interested in reading it? so, friends, anonymous or not--what would you like to see me post more about? what would be interesting/intriguing to you? i created a poll on the right hand side of the page in which you can vote--and of course you are welcome to comment anytime with suggestions. most blogs are horribly boring and i want to make sure this is not one of them.

rose

life is a story don't you doubt

2009-12-02T04:26:00.006+01:00

[[some of the most genuine lyrics i have ever heard... he really is one of my favorite songwriters. i hope that you can get a chance to hear him sing it, or at least listen to it, it really is meant to be heard, but i believe is enjoyable read none the less. thank you for turning my night around jeff lewis]]

Jeffrey Lewis--Life (lyrics)

Life is a story don't you doubt

Bad times give you something to talk about

The next time you feel you're all worn out

Remember life is a story

Don't you doubt

It only takes a day for everything to turn around

Love is a story they tell to you

But the way they tell it ain't quite true

You'll wake up one day and you're twenty-two

You'll know love was just a story they told to you

Love takes a lot of work like everything else you're gonna do

Friends are just the people that you can talk with

Some to talk about that some to talk about this

But everyone changes and forever is a myth

Friends are just the people that you can talk with

A lot of them'll leave but only a few you're gonna miss

School is the place where I did my growing

They fill your brain to overflowing

They tell you this is all stuff you need to be knowing

School is the place where I did my growing

Just when I got to like it it was time to be going

The world is the place where it all happens

They draw lines on it and call it a map

In between every line's a different flag flapping

The world is the place where it all happens

Six billion people all taking turns eating in a napkin

Animals are critters just like you and me

The only difference is that they don't worry

About things that they can't smell or see

Animals are critters just like you and me

So we buy pants and deodorants and claim not to be

Songs are just something to waste your time

I listen to yours and you listen to mine

Before we know it the day's gone by

Songs are just something to waste your time

So is everything else so do whatever makes you feel fine

God's just a story someone made up long ago

Before they had books and tv shows

I don't believe in him and I ain't afraid to say so

You know god's just a story someone made up long ago

But it's hard not to be superstitious despite all you know

Everyone's born and everyone dies

Everyone has a time and wonders why

The ocean's blue so is the sky

Everyone's born and everyone dies

The old lady cries, the new baby cries...or sighs

Kisses are weird but they can be fun

Instead of shaking hands it's like shaking tongues

I wish I got to do it more when I was young

Kisses are weird but they can be fun

I hate going months and months without kissing anyone

At this point it's been since uh...how many months

1 2 3 4 5 6...7

I think if kissing someone could make them pregnant

The last person I kissed would have had their kid by now

* laugh *

Dreams are weird but they can be fun too

They happen more often than kisses it's true

In some I was naked and in some I flew

Dreams are weird but they can be fun too

I wonder if you're dreaming about me when I'm dreaming about you

Now that you heard everything I said

There ain't nothing new inside your head

If you want, disregard it all go ahead

Now that you've heard everything I said

There are probably one or two things you coulda been doing instead

Life is a story don't you doubt

Bad times give you something to talk about

The next time you feel you're all worn out

Remember life is a story

Don't you doubt

It only takes a day for everything to turn around

meh

2009-12-02T01:40:00.002+01:00

i think i'm going to just lay in my bed all night til i fall asleep. i dont feel like doing much of anything else.

handjobs for the holidays

2009-12-01T06:08:00.000+01:00

so, it's about that time of the year when i create my winter-themed playlist. here it is! if you want a copy, let me know, i can burn it for you on a data disc or you can come by with a flash-drive/ipod. i hope you enjoy--70 songs long, but every song had a place. let me know if there is a song that you feel is totally out of place, i take my playlists very seriously, and input is always appreciated! well, without further ado, here it is:

Handjobs for the Holidays

yo la tengo--tears are in your eyes
wilco--poor places
voxtrot--blood red blood
tilly and the wall--let it rain
spiritualized--the waves crash in
sparklehorse--see the light
slowdive--celia's dream
sigur ros--samskeyti
saves the day--hold
the raveonettes--lust
okkervil river--listening to otis redding at home during christmas
neva dinova--poison
neva dinova--on/off
neutral milk hotel--a baby for pree
neko case--dirty knife
neil young--oh, lonesome me
my morning jacket--chills (demo)
my morning jacket--bermuda highway (demo)
múm--the land between solar systems
the microphones--sand (eric's trip)
the microphones--the pull
the microphones--i felt your shape
mates of state--these days
m83--coloring the void
m. ward--outta my head
the lucksmiths--fiction
the lucksmiths--paper planes
karen 0 and the kids--hidaway
karen o and the kids--worried shoes
joanna newsom--swansea
iron and wine--lion's mane
grizzly bear--marla
grizzly bear--disappearing act
grandaddy--underneath the weeping willow
the good life--inmates
galaxie 500--snowstorm
fleet foxes--icicle tusk
the fiery furnaces--benton harbor blues
elliott smith--angel in the snow
elf power--rising and falling in a little world
dr. dog--heaven
dirty projectors--two doves
devendra banhart--when they come
death cab for cutie--scientist studies
daniel johnston--some things last a long time
built to spill--some things last a long time
broken social scene--pitter patter goes my heart
broken social scene--shampoo suicide
broken social scene--almost crimes
broken social scene--handjobs for the holidays
british sea power--no need to cry
bright eyes--landlocked blues
breathe owl breathe--run off
bonnie 'prince' billy--easy does it
bon iver--for emma
bishop allen--choose again
billie holiday--body and soul
big star--i'm in love with a girl
belle and sebastian--belle and sebastian
belle and sebastian--nothing in silence
beach house--zebra
beach house--heart of chambers
beach house--lovelier girl
badly drawn boy--blistered heart
arcade fire--in the backseat
andrew bird--weather systems
the album leaf--over the pond
akron/family--italy
air--bathroom girl
adam green--musical ladders

(5 hours 9 minutes 21 seconds--meant to be listened to on shuffle)

facebook

2009-11-30T23:27:00.002+01:00

i deactivated my account. i figure there is a problem if i am getting horribly upset by a picture tagged in a newsfeed. i'll bring it back i'm sure, but i don't need any more drama in my life. i create enough on my own, no need to take ammunition from facebook, which is beginning to happen. hmph.....

turkey day, pt. 2

2009-11-27T03:02:00.000+01:00

depression symptoms:

loss of interest in normal daily activities
feeling sad or down
feeling hopeless
crying spells for no apparent reason
problems sleeping
trouble focusing or concentrating
difficulty making decisions
unintentional weight gain or loss
irritability
restlessness
being easily annoyed
feeling fatigued or weak
feeling worthless
loss of interest in sex
thoughts of suicide or suicidal behavior
unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

i think i've been depressed this whole semester. i mean... it makes sense, it's not like i haven't been depressed before or won't be again. and i certainly don't feel the worse i've ever felt. not near it. the thing is... i would say about half of the symptoms of major depression i experience ALL of the time. well... most of the time at least. so, i guess, am i depressed, or is this just me? am i just, at best, a mildly depressed person? i'm thinking i should probably start eating even better than i already do, lose 10-15 pounds, and avoid falling in love. heartache just rips me apart. i don't think i can take it much more.

turkey day

2009-11-26T23:01:00.000+01:00

patterns

2009-11-25T01:45:00.002+01:00

"Stain is a set of a teacups designed to improve through use. This project examines the assumption that use is damaging to a product (For example, scratches on an iPod).

The interior surface of the cup is treated so as to stain more in predetermined places. The more the cups are used, the more the pattern is revealed. Over time they will build up an individual pattern dependent on the users personal way of drinking tea."

if only the more damaged i got, the more beautiful i became.

(artist: bethan laura wood)

the chapter in your life entitled winston-salem

2009-11-22T23:03:00.003+01:00

this evening finds me in winston-salem, north carolina, sitting in a coffee shop on a rainy november sunday. emma, carrie-lynne and i are doing homework at krankies, possibly one of my favorite coffee shops. the coffee is not the best i've ever had--i would rather get a cup of gimme! coffee any day of the week, but the atmosphere is quite unique. you know instantly that you are in an art-college town, as the baristas and customers are beautiful, tattooed & pierced, and dressed much cooler than you, and 'interpol' is playing overhead. the first 2 weeks of summer after freshman year i spent on the partially enclosed patio nearly every day, smoking cigarettes and finishing the work for the 2 classes that I had taken incompletes in. although my moms only been living in north carolina since september of 2007, i already have memories associated with this place. i guess winston-salem is some place i'll be returning to often, whether i like it or not.

so--i don't know why i started this blog, but it felt like the right thing to do. i've been feeling terribly disconnected from people and places and things, so hopefully this will change... something. i intend to keep this up through winter break and through my semester abroad. friends--if you like to read blogs, then add mine to the list of those that you peruse on occasion. i do not promise excitement or originality. i'm just another 20 year old girl starting an online journal. there yah go.

and also: the song that inspired the title of this post