insanity

remember that lovely definition of insanity which is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? i just re-realized that i am insane. and how literally this definition defines most of my sexual conduct. i was looking through some facebook photo-album from back in california and a picture of isaac pops up, and all i can think is what a fucking asshole. luckily my next thought was no, i'm the fucking asshole. if insanity can be defined as 'fooling around with the same person over and over and expecting different results' then i think i have found the definition to define my sexual conduct. this guy is the same asshole he was the first time i met him in the summer of 2008. the first time we hook up and he treats me like shit, he's the asshole. the second time we hook up and he treats me like shit, i'm the idiot. the third time, well... i need to get my head checked. this definition can pretty much be inclusive of all of my relationships with people--sexual or not. expecting someone who has always treated me the same way to somehow begin to appreciate my presence in his life is insane. hoping that he will change, waiting around until they do, doing the same things over and over and hoping that this time it will be different is masochistic behavior, and i need to remember that. i need to remember that i am an insane, masochistic, codependent girl, and that i'm going to continue to do the same thing over and over and over until i change something. i guess i just need to get in enough pain before that can happen.

pleasure please!

so i am still coming down off of the insane ride that was writing the literature review for my my research methods sociology class. the topic that i ended up landing on was something along the lines of 'sex education, pleasure education, masturbation, and adolescent girls'. quite a lot of variables to examine for my future research fall of senior year, but i'll cross that bridge when i get to it. as painful as it was to do all of the research--especially to figure out WHAT i wanted to research--i feel even more passionate about the subject now than when i began. i think i'm even more convinced that i want to go into some sort of sexuality education work. not like a sexologist or a sex therapist, but some sort of advocate for adolescent sexual health, whether that be in the schools or through a non-profit or something. i mean, i feel so incredibly far away from a 'career' but in reality it is in the near future. oh dear god.

something i am worried about, though, doing all this research on sex, then writing about it, then talking about it is... what if i get bored of the whole idea? what if sex is no longer exciting and fun and wonderful anymore? what if all i ever think about during sex is how to conceptualize and operationalize an orgasm?? i think i will have to talk to some sex educators and ask them about their sex lives before i delve into that profession.