insanity

remember that lovely definition of insanity which is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? i just re-realized that i am insane. and how literally this definition defines most of my sexual conduct. i was looking through some facebook photo-album from back in california and a picture of isaac pops up, and all i can think is what a fucking asshole. luckily my next thought was no, i'm the fucking asshole. if insanity can be defined as 'fooling around with the same person over and over and expecting different results' then i think i have found the definition to define my sexual conduct. this guy is the same asshole he was the first time i met him in the summer of 2008. the first time we hook up and he treats me like shit, he's the asshole. the second time we hook up and he treats me like shit, i'm the idiot. the third time, well... i need to get my head checked. this definition can pretty much be inclusive of all of my relationships with people--sexual or not. expecting someone who has always treated me the same way to somehow begin to appreciate my presence in his life is insane. hoping that he will change, waiting around until they do, doing the same things over and over and hoping that this time it will be different is masochistic behavior, and i need to remember that. i need to remember that i am an insane, masochistic, codependent girl, and that i'm going to continue to do the same thing over and over and over until i change something. i guess i just need to get in enough pain before that can happen.

video entry? whaaa?

...

depression is a bitch.

oh, lonesome me!

i'm beginning to come to full terms with the fact i am alone. it's not necessarily in itself a horrible thought, although i'm not going to lie and say i have never cried over the idea. it's one of those things that is just beginning to be real for me. i know that people love me, in a way. my friends care for me, but i know that we are all so wrapped up in ourselves that we can never give all that we would like to. i've just spent so much of my life giving myself to others. i know that they have never asked it of me, and the fault is my own, but i've never felt that anyone has loved me quite as strongly as i have loved them. it has been one of the saddest realizations that i've ever had. that i have given so much love to others and vary rarely, if ever, has it been reciprocated. i feel done. i know that we can't change our true natures. i wish that i could will myself to never fall in love again. i can't take another semester like this one. i never want to love again. but i think i am addicted to the feeling--a friend once told me (i am going to butcher this fact, forgive me) that the brain reacts similarly to the feeling of falling in love and when you use cocaine. no wonder i loved cocaine so much! i do not know where i am going with this anymore, but i am ready to accept the idea that no one might ever love me as much as i love them. and that no one will ever know me the way that i know myself. that's just the way it is. god, i feel so fucking sad. i'm done with feeling sad most of the time. i'm tired of sending love letters that will never be replied to. i'm just so tired, so so tired. and i'm beginning to lose faith that things are going to change.

back in the south/a postsecret

i feel sad every day knowing a secret like this will never be written for me and i will be the one waiting.

turkey day, pt. 2

depression symptoms:

• loss of interest in normal daily activities
• feeling sad or down
• feeling hopeless
• crying spells for no apparent reason
• problems sleeping
• trouble focusing or concentrating
• difficulty making decisions
• unintentional weight gain or loss
• irritability
• restlessness
• being easily annoyed
• feeling fatigued or weak
• feeling worthless
• loss of interest in sex
• thoughts of suicide or suicidal behavior
• unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

i think i've been depressed this whole semester. i mean... it makes sense, it's not like i haven't been depressed before or won't be again. and i certainly don't feel the worse i've ever felt. not near it. the thing is... i would say about half of the symptoms of major depression i experience ALL of the time. well... most of the time at least. so, i guess, am i depressed, or is this just me? am i just, at best, a mildly depressed person? i'm thinking i should probably start eating even better than i already do, lose 10-15 pounds, and avoid falling in love. heartache just rips me apart. i don't think i can take it much more.

turkey day

the chapter in your life entitled winston-salem

this evening finds me in winston-salem, north carolina, sitting in a coffee shop on a rainy november sunday. emma, carrie-lynne and i are doing homework at krankies, possibly one of my favorite coffee shops. the coffee is not the best i've ever had--i would rather get a cup of gimme! coffee any day of the week, but the atmosphere is quite unique. you know instantly that you are in an art-college town, as the baristas and customers are beautiful, tattooed & pierced, and dressed much cooler than you, and 'interpol' is playing overhead. the first 2 weeks of summer after freshman year i spent on the partially enclosed patio nearly every day, smoking cigarettes and finishing the work for the 2 classes that I had taken incompletes in. although my moms only been living in north carolina since september of 2007, i already have memories associated with this place. i guess winston-salem is some place i'll be returning to often, whether i like it or not.

so--i don't know why i started this blog, but it felt like the right thing to do. i've been feeling terribly disconnected from people and places and things, so hopefully this will change... something. i intend to keep this up through winter break and through my semester abroad. friends--if you like to read blogs, then add mine to the list of those that you peruse on occasion. i do not promise excitement or originality. i'm just another 20 year old girl starting an online journal. there yah go.

and also: the song that inspired the title of this post