Sunday, January 24, 2010
remember that lovely definition of insanity which is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? i just re-realized that i am insane. and how literally this definition defines most of my sexual conduct. i was looking through some facebook photo-album from back in california and a picture of isaac pops up, and all i can think is what a fucking asshole. luckily my next thought was no, i'm the fucking asshole. if insanity can be defined as 'fooling around with the same person over and over and expecting different results' then i think i have found the definition to define my sexual conduct. this guy is the same asshole he was the first time i met him in the summer of 2008. the first time we hook up and he treats me like shit, he's the asshole. the second time we hook up and he treats me like shit, i'm the idiot. the third time, well... i need to get my head checked. this definition can pretty much be inclusive of all of my relationships with people--sexual or not. expecting someone who has always treated me the same way to somehow begin to appreciate my presence in his life is insane. hoping that he will change, waiting around until they do, doing the same things over and over and hoping that this time it will be different is masochistic behavior, and i need to remember that. i need to remember that i am an insane, masochistic, codependent girl, and that i'm going to continue to do the same thing over and over and over until i change something. i guess i just need to get in enough pain before that can happen.