wacypaa!

western area conference of young people in aa, here i come! i'll be in eugene, oregon partying/recovering it up with other kids from alaska, arizona, california, colorado, hawaii, idaho, montana, nevada, new mexico, oregon, utah, washington, wyoming, as well as british colombia/yukon territory/alberta and parts of northern mexico. i'll be back at the computer late sunday night, but until then, happy new years! i'm sure i will have some sort of meaningful new years post soon after i return.

--rose

i'm feeling rough, i'm feeling raw, i'm in the prime of my life

i've heard that smell memory is the strongest of... memory stimulants, so to speak. but i was in the car yesterday, listening to the radio (as my dads car has no other form of music-playing), and a song came on that gave me such a feeling, a feeling that i think i will probably always associated with this song/artist. and the more i think about it, the more i realize how music, up there with the smell of an ex-lover or best friend or former home, is one of the hugest triggers for me. not necessarily in a bad way, but simply that not all, but a lot of the music i listen to have very specific memories associated with them, some so much that i again feel what i felt then. i remember, the last project for my senior year of high school english class was to make a time capsule of our high school experience. i, of course, made a mix cd, chronologically documenting the music that i had listened to in high school and memories that were associated with them (also in the time capsule included my in-patient hospital bracelet, letters i had written myself, ticket stubs, mementos, etc.). i still have the playlist, and as much as i know many of you didn't know me in high school, it may give you an idea of... my journey. all of these songs continue to give me a visceral reaction.

1. street to nowhere--camino lenada

they were a local band from oakland. in 8th grade, before i started doing drugs and drinking and being genuinely miserable, i used to love to go see live music, not simply to do drugs in the bathroom, but to enjoy the music. i still know all the words to this song. this represents a time when music perhaps meant the most than it ever had up to that point

2. the beatles--in my life

this song meant the end of childhood as i had known it. it was our 8th grade graduation song. the beatles were a huge part of my childhood, and definitely represent a time of innocence for me. the transition from middle school to high school was a pretty extreme one.

3. jets to brazil--sweet avenue

i got introduced to this song the summer after 8th grade. was one of my favorites for a long, long time, and went on most mix-cds that i made for people throughout high school.

4. elliott smith--say yes

i remember listening to this song with emma and joy on the bart train, high as all hell. this was my first elliott smith song, the very beginning of freshman year. this was before things got... ugly.

5. gravy train!!!--sippin' 40z

this was when things started to get... interesting. this reminds me of smoking cigarettes on the street corners before/during/after school with rockabilly mel and gay-coke-dealer jake. this is when life felt like one big party. a snippet of the lyrics: "for me the drink was made, and i won't ever trade"

6. elliott smith--needle in the hay

sweet, sweet depression overcomes me. elliott smith is obviously a big influence in my life, as i have this title tattooed on me.

7. the postal service--the district sleeps alone tonight

coke-dealer jake burned me their cd first semester of freshman year. i remember crying in my dark room at my dads apartment listening to this album, and this song especially. a very beautiful but sad song for me.

8. pedro the lion--rapture

jake also burned an mix cd with their music for me. this song brings me right back to the deep depression of freshman year of high school. i didn't realize at the time that this song was about cheating on his wife, but looking back, that is what doing drugs was like for me, and horrible love affair: "we've gone too far/we've done too much/we have to quit it//just one more kiss/just one more touch/please ten more minutes"

9. mirah--make it hot

this is my favorite mirah song. she toured spring of 2004, my freshman year, and it was the first show that i was allowed to go see since i had been grounded/busted/on house arrest. this is my favorite mirah song, and i remember her playing at the show, and i remember being sober and realizing how amazing it was to experience music not completely fucked up. arlene introduced me to her.

10. nick drake--place to be

this song brings me into sophomore year of high school, and brings me straight to the fall, when we had p.e. at the bowling alley for our bowling unit. we had to walk 7 blocks or so, and i was so shy and lonely that i would put on my headphones and read while i walked. i remember listening to this album on repeat while reading 'life of pi' in the foggy fall afternoon.

11. radiohead--creep

this was at one point, every 15 year old anorexics anthem. and i was no exception.

12. wilco--hummingbird

june, the end of my sophomore year of high school, my dad bought me and emma tickets to see them at the greek theatre in berkeley. i remember i wanted to go to gay prom, but it was on the same night. this song reminds me of that summer night, holding emma's hand and listening to them playing this song with my eyes closed. it is, to this day, the best live show i have ever seen.

13. harry and the potters--save ginny weasley

summer after sophomore year of high school, they played outside of the main library in san francisco. i remember being happy for the first time in awhile. harry potter has also been a big part of my life, throughout all of this. laugh all you want, but it was important.

14. le tigre--viz

this song is about being visibly out. i remember listening to this song and realizing what it was about, and being hella proud.

15. jesus christ superstar--superstar

one tradition that we had with my mom was watching this movie on easter. it is, to this day, the main educational source i've had about christianity. the end of my senior year, the original actor who played jesus in the 70's film was playing jesus again in the musical, and my mom got us tickets. it was one of the more positive memories i have of my mom.

16. van morrison--sweet thing

i don't remember why i put this song on the mix cd exactly... but i do remember when it was put on a mix cd for me senior year, and how wonderful it made me feel. certainly my favorite van morrison song, and perhaps one of my favorite songs.

17. david bowie--heroes

cheesy, but i ended the mix with this song because i remember being hopeful at the end of high school, hopeful that things were going to be okay and that i was going to be okay. this song still gives me a feeling like that.

at the end of this, i feel exhausted. it always is exhausting to remember. i usually try not to think about high school too much, because in many ways it was a miserable, miserable time. i spent the first two years of it trying to die and then the last two trying to get well, and was back at square one at the very end. it really is quite an odd idea, to think that the past 6/7 years or so i have spent either dying or recuperating. maybe that's a bit too morbid, but it's how it feels.

also, in case you were wondering, the song i heard on the radio was 'time to pretend' by mgmt. that song, as well as 'kids', makes me remember summer of 2008, isaac ronald rice, and the events surrounding him and my inevitable relapse. that was quite the summer.

and with that, goodnight!

and at the end of the day...

i'm still sad.

merry christmas fuckers

nearly christmas

does anybody actually read this? i mean, i guess i write for myself more than anything else but, still, guess it would be nice to think people were interested.

i have such anger in my heart right now... an anger that

moves straight into deep longing into forgiveness and back into rage. i need to get past it. i fucking need to, because i can't be on this roller-coaster for much longer. it's just... the crazy, selfish alcoholic that i am, i still think that i know what's best. i can't just let it be and trust that everyone is being taken care of. i just wish that i wasn't able to love in any meaningful way. so much of life would be different. and right now that is all i want, to not be able to love like i seem to always do.

and the saddest thing is that no one has ever been in love with me. no one has ever felt the way i have felt in the same way i have felt about them. i am 20 years old and no one has ever said 'rose, i'm falling in love with you'. and i know that life is supposed to be long and i'll have plenty of time to love, but really, who knows how long we'll be here? how much longer i could be

alive? i don't want to die without being in love with someone who is in love with me back. the thought of it makes my body ache.

the bay area

so... we made it. finally, after 2 days of delays, an airport 3.5 hour drive from ithaca, a 3 hour layover in charlotte north carolina (in which my mom drove up from winston-salem to go out to lunch with us), and first class all the way for being delayed so much, i've come home! however, i am already in such an awful, awful mood. i'm sure it will pass. more to come. right now i am jet-lagged and resentful and exhausted and poorly fed (not underfed, however). blergh.

lament

i feel like shit... this is what i get for eating shit food all day, taking 2+ naps, and not changing out of the clothes i slept in. and i couldn't shower because i already packed up everything, because our flight was supposed to leave this morning. but... there is a huge storm in southern new england so we can't get out til tuesday morning. in buffalo. and ive been having fits of the cryings all day. i can't deal with emotions. and i'm going through caffeine withdrawal in addition to multiple rejections and sitting in an empty apartment all day. blank walls and nothing in any of the drawers... it's so miserable. it's fucking sinking into my skin, this emptiness. i just want to go back to the way things were a week ago, just one week ago, when the idea of packing my apartment and writing papers and all that shit was looming but not all-encompassing. and i can't seem to be able to accept help or even human touch. i cringe when my father touches me even though i love him so much... what a selfish, selfish disease depression is.

cutest baby in the world

for you, joey

quickie!

a quick update, for all of you that religiously read my blog and are just dying to know what i've been up to (sarcasm, no?). I am 12 pages into a 15 page paper that is due in under 3 hours. my apartment has to be completely packed and emptied in the next 48 hours, and the presents/mix cds i had intended to finish have not been. i've gained 5 pounds in the past 3 days or so, as i have not been cooking for myself. i feel insane! and it is fucking cold out.

--rose

(arts &) CRAFTS!

the same-old

the whole right side of my neck is swollen and painful and it's difficult to swallow... i don't know what that is about, but if it keeps up for another day or so i'm going to start to worry. it's probably just stress. from the fact that i have two papers due tomorrow, one that was due today, and tonight i'm going to go out to a photo exhibition instead. i just want to go to sleep and not wake up. i realize i say that whenever i am in a miserable mood, but it always seems to be the only thing i want to do in times like these.

nothing else is interesting. i kind of want to just leave ithaca this weekend so i don't have to deal with any of these fucking goodbyes. especially to the seniors who i may never see again for all i know. i am just restless, irritable, and discontent. i'm fucking done. i feel like i am in that place i've been so many times before, where when around other people all i want is to be alone, and when i'm not with anyone i'm so fucking lonely and depressed. and i can't be happy for anyone because i'm just wallowing in self pity. i'ma drown in it if i don't make some sort of change.

pleasure please!

so i am still coming down off of the insane ride that was writing the literature review for my my research methods sociology class. the topic that i ended up landing on was something along the lines of 'sex education, pleasure education, masturbation, and adolescent girls'. quite a lot of variables to examine for my future research fall of senior year, but i'll cross that bridge when i get to it. as painful as it was to do all of the research--especially to figure out WHAT i wanted to research--i feel even more passionate about the subject now than when i began. i think i'm even more convinced that i want to go into some sort of sexuality education work. not like a sexologist or a sex therapist, but some sort of advocate for adolescent sexual health, whether that be in the schools or through a non-profit or something. i mean, i feel so incredibly far away from a 'career' but in reality it is in the near future. oh dear god.

something i am worried about, though, doing all this research on sex, then writing about it, then talking about it is... what if i get bored of the whole idea? what if sex is no longer exciting and fun and wonderful anymore? what if all i ever think about during sex is how to conceptualize and operationalize an orgasm?? i think i will have to talk to some sex educators and ask them about their sex lives before i delve into that profession.

the snow

so i officially feel like shit tonight. i just am ridiculously hyper-sensitive and self-centered. and have recently been crying over even the smallest sadness or disappointment. i don't think it's healthy. in fact, it's embarrassing thinking my neighbors hear me bawling through the walls on a regular basis. i guess it's some sort of release. i just hate being vulnerable, and have a lot of difficulty crying in front of others, excluding joe for some reason, who i tend to cry in front of on a regular basis. i just wish, often, that i could turn it off--the sadness, pain, fear, passion, intense emotion, all of it--life would be easier.

on the other hand, it snowed today for the first time this year. it was very beautiful, and i stood outside on our balcony for too long, to the point that my bare feet were aching. but i needed to feel alive--its fucking stupid and cliche, but i needed to feel something, something disassociated from anything emotional. it was nice. i might do it once more before i go to bed tonight. just to remember.

seagull

i guess you would not call them 'sea'gulls in ithaca, but it seems the most appropriate name, so i will call them that anyway. anyways, this morning during my 8:45am walk from the gardens to the campus center for work, there seemed to be a LOT of them on campus, doing their gull thing, flying around and pecking for worms and all that stuff. all i could think the whole walk was 'one of you fuckers better not shit on me'--and no worries, they didn't. but right at the end of my walk, i saw a certain seagull that made me sad, as he had no right foot. he was hopping around on the pavement, moving a little bit slower than his peers, but doing alright. it made me sad though, and i can't stop thinking about him, and how a seagull would lose a foot, or if he was born without one. i guess these things happen. so i don't know what the point of this story is, except that i am grateful to have all of my limbs entact and working. guess you never know when you could lose a foot.

step 3, perhaps?

my life is so fucking unmanageable. i feel powerless over everything--it feels like an avalanche of rocks is tumbling down on me and all i can do is wait to get crushed. i think it's time to get back to basics, and make a list. what can i say, i'm a list person. pro's and con's list especially.

things i am powerless over:

• other people (their choices, actions, feelings, behavior, etc.)
• my depression
• my body (hunger, fatigue, desire, my weight/shape, etc.)
• school
• my mood (moods swings, loneliness, etc.)
• money (not working next semester, housing, travel, etc.)
• my thoughts (fantasies, morbid reflection, suicidal thoughts, etc.)

and now i need to take action... this semester i have drifted so far away from any sort of dependence on a power greater than myself, and this is where it has gotten me--desperate, depressed, heartbroken, and hopeless. i'm not a religious person by any sense of the word... but without a belief in a higher power i am lost and am bound to commit the same mistakes of the past. i never, ever want to go there again. and i hate that it takes a state of utter despair to make me willing. but what can i say, i'm a stubborn unteachable motherfucker.

so, a prayer for the night--excuse the biblical overtones--the message is one i need to remember, and is one of my favorites:

god

i offer myself to thee, to build with me, and to do with me as thou wilt

relieve me of the bondage of self, that i may better do thy will

take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those i would help

of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life

may i do thy will always

inquiry

so i've been looking at other blogs, and began to wonder... what is it that people like to see in the blogs they read? what would get more than 6 people to follow by blog/make sure those 6+ people continue to be interested in reading it? so, friends, anonymous or not--what would you like to see me post more about? what would be interesting/intriguing to you? i created a poll on the right hand side of the page in which you can vote--and of course you are welcome to comment anytime with suggestions. most blogs are horribly boring and i want to make sure this is not one of them.

rose

life is a story don't you doubt

[[some of the most genuine lyrics i have ever heard... he really is one of my favorite songwriters. i hope that you can get a chance to hear him sing it, or at least listen to it, it really is meant to be heard, but i believe is enjoyable read none the less. thank you for turning my night around jeff lewis]]

Jeffrey Lewis--Life (lyrics)

Life is a story don't you doubt

Bad times give you something to talk about

The next time you feel you're all worn out

Remember life is a story

Don't you doubt

It only takes a day for everything to turn around

Love is a story they tell to you

But the way they tell it ain't quite true

You'll wake up one day and you're twenty-two

You'll know love was just a story they told to you

Love takes a lot of work like everything else you're gonna do

Friends are just the people that you can talk with

Some to talk about that some to talk about this

But everyone changes and forever is a myth

Friends are just the people that you can talk with

A lot of them'll leave but only a few you're gonna miss

School is the place where I did my growing

They fill your brain to overflowing

They tell you this is all stuff you need to be knowing

School is the place where I did my growing

Just when I got to like it it was time to be going

The world is the place where it all happens

They draw lines on it and call it a map

In between every line's a different flag flapping

The world is the place where it all happens

Six billion people all taking turns eating in a napkin

Animals are critters just like you and me

The only difference is that they don't worry

About things that they can't smell or see

Animals are critters just like you and me

So we buy pants and deodorants and claim not to be

Songs are just something to waste your time

I listen to yours and you listen to mine

Before we know it the day's gone by

Songs are just something to waste your time

So is everything else so do whatever makes you feel fine

God's just a story someone made up long ago

Before they had books and tv shows

I don't believe in him and I ain't afraid to say so

You know god's just a story someone made up long ago

But it's hard not to be superstitious despite all you know

Everyone's born and everyone dies

Everyone has a time and wonders why

The ocean's blue so is the sky

Everyone's born and everyone dies

The old lady cries, the new baby cries...or sighs

Kisses are weird but they can be fun

Instead of shaking hands it's like shaking tongues

I wish I got to do it more when I was young

Kisses are weird but they can be fun

I hate going months and months without kissing anyone

At this point it's been since uh...how many months

1 2 3 4 5 6...7

I think if kissing someone could make them pregnant

The last person I kissed would have had their kid by now

* laugh *

Dreams are weird but they can be fun too

They happen more often than kisses it's true

In some I was naked and in some I flew

Dreams are weird but they can be fun too

I wonder if you're dreaming about me when I'm dreaming about you

Now that you heard everything I said

There ain't nothing new inside your head

If you want, disregard it all go ahead

Now that you've heard everything I said

There are probably one or two things you coulda been doing instead

Life is a story don't you doubt

Bad times give you something to talk about

The next time you feel you're all worn out

Remember life is a story

Don't you doubt

It only takes a day for everything to turn around

meh

i think i'm going to just lay in my bed all night til i fall asleep. i dont feel like doing much of anything else.

handjobs for the holidays

so, it's about that time of the year when i create my winter-themed playlist. here it is! if you want a copy, let me know, i can burn it for you on a data disc or you can come by with a flash-drive/ipod. i hope you enjoy--70 songs long, but every song had a place. let me know if there is a song that you feel is totally out of place, i take my playlists very seriously, and input is always appreciated! well, without further ado, here it is:

Handjobs for the Holidays

1. yo la tengo--tears are in your eyes
2. wilco--poor places
3. voxtrot--blood red blood
4. tilly and the wall--let it rain
5. spiritualized--the waves crash in
6. sparklehorse--see the light
7. slowdive--celia's dream
8. sigur ros--samskeyti
9. saves the day--hold
10. the raveonettes--lust
11. okkervil river--listening to otis redding at home during christmas
12. neva dinova--poison
13. neva dinova--on/off
14. neutral milk hotel--a baby for pree
15. neko case--dirty knife
16. neil young--oh, lonesome me
17. my morning jacket--chills (demo)
18. my morning jacket--bermuda highway (demo)
19. múm--the land between solar systems
20. the microphones--sand (eric's trip)
21. the microphones--the pull
22. the microphones--i felt your shape
23. mates of state--these days
24. m83--coloring the void
25. m. ward--outta my head
26. the lucksmiths--fiction
27. the lucksmiths--paper planes
28. karen 0 and the kids--hidaway
29. karen o and the kids--worried shoes
30. joanna newsom--swansea
31. iron and wine--lion's mane
32. grizzly bear--marla
33. grizzly bear--disappearing act
34. grandaddy--underneath the weeping willow
35. the good life--inmates
36. galaxie 500--snowstorm
37. fleet foxes--icicle tusk
38. the fiery furnaces--benton harbor blues
39. elliott smith--angel in the snow
40. elf power--rising and falling in a little world
41. dr. dog--heaven
42. dirty projectors--two doves
43. devendra banhart--when they come
44. death cab for cutie--scientist studies
45. daniel johnston--some things last a long time
46. built to spill--some things last a long time
47. broken social scene--pitter patter goes my heart
48. broken social scene--shampoo suicide
49. broken social scene--almost crimes
50. broken social scene--handjobs for the holidays
51. british sea power--no need to cry
52. bright eyes--landlocked blues
53. breathe owl breathe--run off
54. bonnie 'prince' billy--easy does it
55. bon iver--for emma
56. bishop allen--choose again
57. billie holiday--body and soul
58. big star--i'm in love with a girl
59. belle and sebastian--belle and sebastian
60. belle and sebastian--nothing in silence
61. beach house--zebra
62. beach house--heart of chambers
63. beach house--lovelier girl
64. badly drawn boy--blistered heart
65. arcade fire--in the backseat
66. andrew bird--weather systems
67. the album leaf--over the pond
68. akron/family--italy
69. air--bathroom girl
70. adam green--musical ladders

(5 hours 9 minutes 21 seconds--meant to be listened to on shuffle)

facebook

i deactivated my account. i figure there is a problem if i am getting horribly upset by a picture tagged in a newsfeed. i'll bring it back i'm sure, but i don't need any more drama in my life. i create enough on my own, no need to take ammunition from facebook, which is beginning to happen. hmph.....

turkey day, pt. 2

depression symptoms:

• loss of interest in normal daily activities
• feeling sad or down
• feeling hopeless
• crying spells for no apparent reason
• problems sleeping
• trouble focusing or concentrating
• difficulty making decisions
• unintentional weight gain or loss
• irritability
• restlessness
• being easily annoyed
• feeling fatigued or weak
• feeling worthless
• loss of interest in sex
• thoughts of suicide or suicidal behavior
• unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

i think i've been depressed this whole semester. i mean... it makes sense, it's not like i haven't been depressed before or won't be again. and i certainly don't feel the worse i've ever felt. not near it. the thing is... i would say about half of the symptoms of major depression i experience ALL of the time. well... most of the time at least. so, i guess, am i depressed, or is this just me? am i just, at best, a mildly depressed person? i'm thinking i should probably start eating even better than i already do, lose 10-15 pounds, and avoid falling in love. heartache just rips me apart. i don't think i can take it much more.

turkey day

patterns

"Stain is a set of a teacups designed to improve through use. This project examines the assumption that use is damaging to a product (For example, scratches on an iPod).

The interior surface of the cup is treated so as to stain more in predetermined places. The more the cups are used, the more the pattern is revealed. Over time they will build up an individual pattern dependent on the users personal way of drinking tea."

if only the more damaged i got, the more beautiful i became.


(artist: bethan laura wood)

the chapter in your life entitled winston-salem

this evening finds me in winston-salem, north carolina, sitting in a coffee shop on a rainy november sunday. emma, carrie-lynne and i are doing homework at krankies, possibly one of my favorite coffee shops. the coffee is not the best i've ever had--i would rather get a cup of gimme! coffee any day of the week, but the atmosphere is quite unique. you know instantly that you are in an art-college town, as the baristas and customers are beautiful, tattooed & pierced, and dressed much cooler than you, and 'interpol' is playing overhead. the first 2 weeks of summer after freshman year i spent on the partially enclosed patio nearly every day, smoking cigarettes and finishing the work for the 2 classes that I had taken incompletes in. although my moms only been living in north carolina since september of 2007, i already have memories associated with this place. i guess winston-salem is some place i'll be returning to often, whether i like it or not.

so--i don't know why i started this blog, but it felt like the right thing to do. i've been feeling terribly disconnected from people and places and things, so hopefully this will change... something. i intend to keep this up through winter break and through my semester abroad. friends--if you like to read blogs, then add mine to the list of those that you peruse on occasion. i do not promise excitement or originality. i'm just another 20 year old girl starting an online journal. there yah go.

and also: the song that inspired the title of this post