Sunday, January 17, 2010

oh, lonesome me!

i'm beginning to come to full terms with the fact i am alone. it's not necessarily in itself a horrible thought, although i'm not going to lie and say i have never cried over the idea. it's one of those things that is just beginning to be real for me. i know that people love me, in a way. my friends care for me, but i know that we are all so wrapped up in ourselves that we can never give all that we would like to. i've just spent so much of my life giving myself to others. i know that they have never asked it of me, and the fault is my own, but i've never felt that anyone has loved me quite as strongly as i have loved them. it has been one of the saddest realizations that i've ever had. that i have given so much love to others and vary rarely, if ever, has it been reciprocated. i feel done. i know that we can't change our true natures. i wish that i could will myself to never fall in love again. i can't take another semester like this one. i never want to love again. but i think i am addicted to the feeling--a friend once told me (i am going to butcher this fact, forgive me) that the brain reacts similarly to the feeling of falling in love and when you use cocaine. no wonder i loved cocaine so much! i do not know where i am going with this anymore, but i am ready to accept the idea that no one might ever love me as much as i love them. and that no one will ever know me the way that i know myself. that's just the way it is. god, i feel so fucking sad. i'm done with feeling sad most of the time. i'm tired of sending love letters that will never be replied to. i'm just so tired, so so tired. and i'm beginning to lose faith that things are going to change.


  1. hey darling- I hope you will think it's sad and pretty and funny that your labels have 'depression' tagged more than any other. I think things will be better once you get to where you want to be- this is a bit of a limbo right now.

    As for me- I think I can say I love you to the full extent that you do for me, and you can tell me anything/anytime. You are one of the single most helpful and caring and insightful friends I've ever had- and if nothing else your passion and high hopes are beautiful, and I just hope I can help you see that even loss and hopelessness is part of why everything is so goddamned tragically beautiful. there is no better or worse, and I guess we honestly just have to live it-

    but I'm always always here for you when things feel so dark and overwhelming that nothing feels worth it anymore--- and when you're not.

    I wish I could have said it more beautifully-

    So Much Beauty It Could Make You Cry

  2. oh aleisa, i love you so so much. thank you for the comment. i know you always understand what i'm going through.