video entry: amsterdam #3

video entry: amsterdam #2

biking in the rain haikus

biking through puddles

sheets of water spray around

it's worth the wet socks

whipping my face like

dull needles that never leave

stinging for hours

when i finally

feel i'm truly dry again

i must ride once more

the poncho-clad dutch

bright orange flying like capes

are smarter than i

gray february

with months of wet days ahead

i dream for dry times

um, new house?

yah, so yesterday carrie and sean signed a lease on the house that we will all be living in next semester! more info/pictures to come, but basically it's a mile from campus (but walkable) and quite close to the commons and collegetown. for such an extreme fuck up on me and emma's part for not submitting our on-campus forms on time, it worked out quite perfectly!

update shmupdate

AN UPDATE of things I have learned/done/seen since i've been in Amsterdam (officially 3 weeks):

• I love ringing my bike bell at pedestrians in the bike lane. it gives me a false sense of power and any excuse to use my bell is good for me.
• Tonic water tastes like gin to me which lead me to think for an entire night that I had (accidentally) relapsed on a sip of gin.
• Dutch people are much taller than me, in general. I'm used to being one of the 'taller' girls, but no longer!
• Thursday night is (un)officially take out night. 2 weeks ago was 5euro pizza, last week was thai, tomorrow we shall see!
• Tuesday night is (un)officially drag-queen-bingo night at 'The Queen's Head'.
• Van Gogh's paintings are 100x more amazing in real life. just sayin'.
• Daily bike rides to/from school/meetings helps my depression. It only took me 5 years to figure out!
• I have yet to have a major bout of homesickness. Everyone says that it is coming, but I am still waiting!
• I am officially detoxed off of coffee--I will have 1-2 shots of espresso every few days or so, but am no longer drinking 20-30 oz a day. This also means that drinking a cup of coffee at 8:30pm will make me WIDE AWAKE at 2:30am, hence this entry.
• I am pretty sure I am no longer a tourist here, which is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world! My housing permit should be arriving any day in the mail!
• Even though I am (for the most part) quite happy here, I need to remember that I am still an alcoholic, suffer from depression, and cannot 'let up' on self-care just because I am feeling better.
• Had my first fall the other day on my bike. Very minor, but I doubt it will be my last!

Anyways, that is all for now. Tot ziens!

--Rose

lazy blog-writer rose

benton harbor blues

why do i always break my own heart? i keep falling in love with him over and over and purposefully forgetting all the times he's said he doesn't want me. what the fuck is wrong with me???? why do i do this over and over??? i think i have a death wish because i don't know how many more times i can do this. it breaks me a little bit more every time. love is going to make me crumble.

lost in amsterdam

so wednesday night i had an experience that everyone should have at least once when they move to a new place--i got lost. except mine was not a 'daytime lets get lost on foot and find our way back again', mine was a 'on my bike for 2 and 1/2 hours at night'. side note: do not choose the 'back-way shortcut' if it is your first time getting somewhere on a bike and it's night time. needless to say, i got terrifingly lost--not just that i couldn't find the place i was going to (today i realized i must have circled the block a few times), but i got so turned around that i was getting into an area that i couldn't find on my map and the area was getting less urban. needless to say i totally freaked out, but followed the signs that took me back to central station. and now i would have to say i am a bit more confident on my bike!

video entry: amsterdam #1

amsterdam: take 1

so here is my first entry from the netherlands! instead of a synopsis of my 2 days here, i thought i would just give some bullet points of things that are different/interesting/unique that i've noticed about amsterdam and such. also, bullet points are much more fun to read than long paragraphs of writing

• bicycles: there are SO many here--475,000 I believe, even though there are only 760,000 people. i will hopefully be purchasing one within the next week or so. they are between €50-100, but it is practically unheard of here to not have a bike. it's the most practical means of transportation, and there are separate bike paths and tons of bike parking all throughout the city. i may wait to get one til it gets a little bit nicer however, as it has been particularly cold/snowy/icy, and i have no experience biking in snow/ice.
• dutch: i guess i did not realize that, although everyone can speak english, most everyone speaks dutch to one another and all of the signs are in dutch. i wish i had learned some before i got here, and am going to try my best to get into the dutch language/culture course that is being offered, even though i did not sign up for it at first. it was a bit difficult to go grocery shopping today--me and my roommate lauren had to pretty much guess what most things were by the pictures on the box/container.
• beer: although not the biggest deal in the world, i purchased beer for the first time! i owed my roommate some money and so bought her a bottle of beer at C1000, the supermarket by our apartment complex. it was quite surreal--i was not I.D.ed, and it was surprisingly normal feeling. hopefully this will be the last beer i buy in amsterdam, unless i am treating someone to a drink :)
• euros: they are fun to use and much prettier than US money! this is my first time off the continent, and haven't used foreign currency since the last time i went to canada. unfortunately the exchange rate is crap and the bank charges me a shit ton to withdraw cash, and it is very uncommon that stores will accept credit cards/debit cards.
• architecture: it is some of the most amazing i have ever seen, unlike anything in the states. we went on a canal tour (there are 165 canals in amsterdam) with my study abroad group. i cant even explain how wonderful it is. i took some pictures which i will post soon.

i will write more later--right now i am exhausted and need to get up at 8:00 tomorrow to get to UVA(universitiet van amsterdam) for continued orientation. fun!

--rose

insanity

remember that lovely definition of insanity which is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? i just re-realized that i am insane. and how literally this definition defines most of my sexual conduct. i was looking through some facebook photo-album from back in california and a picture of isaac pops up, and all i can think is what a fucking asshole. luckily my next thought was no, i'm the fucking asshole. if insanity can be defined as 'fooling around with the same person over and over and expecting different results' then i think i have found the definition to define my sexual conduct. this guy is the same asshole he was the first time i met him in the summer of 2008. the first time we hook up and he treats me like shit, he's the asshole. the second time we hook up and he treats me like shit, i'm the idiot. the third time, well... i need to get my head checked. this definition can pretty much be inclusive of all of my relationships with people--sexual or not. expecting someone who has always treated me the same way to somehow begin to appreciate my presence in his life is insane. hoping that he will change, waiting around until they do, doing the same things over and over and hoping that this time it will be different is masochistic behavior, and i need to remember that. i need to remember that i am an insane, masochistic, codependent girl, and that i'm going to continue to do the same thing over and over and over until i change something. i guess i just need to get in enough pain before that can happen.

500 days of summer

so, i just saw this movie, and i have to say that it struck me in a way i was not expecting. usually, i do not like romantic comedies. they are unbelievable and the characters tend to be unlikable and slightly pathetic. but this story was... true. it was true in the way that you have to see it to understand. the male character played by joseph gordon-levitt was like me, if i was a guy. he falls so in love with this girl who just isn't quite as in love with him back. this is simplifying it, but it made me sad in a way that i can only describe as hopeful. one of my favorite quotes from the movie was "just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn't mean she's your soul mate". something important to remember. this is not a movie review--i wouldn't even know how to begin to review a movie, this is simply trying to make sense of how i feel right now, having just watched this film. it is certainly not a love story in the usual sense, but it is a true story about love. you should see it, if you can. it's not the best movie i've ever seen, but it does say something true.

video entry? whaaa?

...

depression is a bitch.

oh, lonesome me!

i'm beginning to come to full terms with the fact i am alone. it's not necessarily in itself a horrible thought, although i'm not going to lie and say i have never cried over the idea. it's one of those things that is just beginning to be real for me. i know that people love me, in a way. my friends care for me, but i know that we are all so wrapped up in ourselves that we can never give all that we would like to. i've just spent so much of my life giving myself to others. i know that they have never asked it of me, and the fault is my own, but i've never felt that anyone has loved me quite as strongly as i have loved them. it has been one of the saddest realizations that i've ever had. that i have given so much love to others and vary rarely, if ever, has it been reciprocated. i feel done. i know that we can't change our true natures. i wish that i could will myself to never fall in love again. i can't take another semester like this one. i never want to love again. but i think i am addicted to the feeling--a friend once told me (i am going to butcher this fact, forgive me) that the brain reacts similarly to the feeling of falling in love and when you use cocaine. no wonder i loved cocaine so much! i do not know where i am going with this anymore, but i am ready to accept the idea that no one might ever love me as much as i love them. and that no one will ever know me the way that i know myself. that's just the way it is. god, i feel so fucking sad. i'm done with feeling sad most of the time. i'm tired of sending love letters that will never be replied to. i'm just so tired, so so tired. and i'm beginning to lose faith that things are going to change.

back in the south/a postsecret

i feel sad every day knowing a secret like this will never be written for me and i will be the one waiting.

so it's been awhile...

i keep getting ideas for things i want to write entries about, and then i either forget or am too tired. but here are some things that have happened in the past week, or things that i have been thinking about.

i saw avatar on 3d and it was great! i want to see it again.

i've been watching hella 'jersey shore'--it's awful and addicting and i'm loving it!

i leave for amsterdam in 2 weeks from today. it hasn't hit me yet. at all.

i feel lonely. i'm not ready for any of this...

rose

facebook, take 2

so, i activated my account. let's hope i don't regret it. it's just that everyone has been telling me it's one of the best/only ways to keep in touch when i am abroad and meet/network with people when i am in amsterdam. and as long as i am in fit spiritual condition, facebook should not cause me any more anxiety than i usually feel. it is at least nice to know that i don't need it. and that i was very happy without it. and to tell you the truth, if i wasn't going abroad, i would probably not have activated my account. i'm just already worried i will feel isolated and out of touch in europe, so why not keep up all the connections i can. we'll see, we'll see.

rose

zzz

i'm so tired... i'm so tired of being tired. i sometimes forget that i have sleep apnea, and that it has an effect on my day to day life. also that i suffer from depression, and that it also has an effect on my day to day life. i don't know. i just want things to get better, but i guess i don't seem to be willing to do too much work. i'm just so... uncomfortably comfortable in this place. i don't know. i'm kind of scared, but then i also don't care. i wish i cared more about myself.