the snow

so i officially feel like shit tonight. i just am ridiculously hyper-sensitive and self-centered. and have recently been crying over even the smallest sadness or disappointment. i don't think it's healthy. in fact, it's embarrassing thinking my neighbors hear me bawling through the walls on a regular basis. i guess it's some sort of release. i just hate being vulnerable, and have a lot of difficulty crying in front of others, excluding joe for some reason, who i tend to cry in front of on a regular basis. i just wish, often, that i could turn it off--the sadness, pain, fear, passion, intense emotion, all of it--life would be easier.

on the other hand, it snowed today for the first time this year. it was very beautiful, and i stood outside on our balcony for too long, to the point that my bare feet were aching. but i needed to feel alive--its fucking stupid and cliche, but i needed to feel something, something disassociated from anything emotional. it was nice. i might do it once more before i go to bed tonight. just to remember.

seagull

i guess you would not call them 'sea'gulls in ithaca, but it seems the most appropriate name, so i will call them that anyway. anyways, this morning during my 8:45am walk from the gardens to the campus center for work, there seemed to be a LOT of them on campus, doing their gull thing, flying around and pecking for worms and all that stuff. all i could think the whole walk was 'one of you fuckers better not shit on me'--and no worries, they didn't. but right at the end of my walk, i saw a certain seagull that made me sad, as he had no right foot. he was hopping around on the pavement, moving a little bit slower than his peers, but doing alright. it made me sad though, and i can't stop thinking about him, and how a seagull would lose a foot, or if he was born without one. i guess these things happen. so i don't know what the point of this story is, except that i am grateful to have all of my limbs entact and working. guess you never know when you could lose a foot.

step 3, perhaps?

my life is so fucking unmanageable. i feel powerless over everything--it feels like an avalanche of rocks is tumbling down on me and all i can do is wait to get crushed. i think it's time to get back to basics, and make a list. what can i say, i'm a list person. pro's and con's list especially.

things i am powerless over:

• other people (their choices, actions, feelings, behavior, etc.)
• my depression
• my body (hunger, fatigue, desire, my weight/shape, etc.)
• school
• my mood (moods swings, loneliness, etc.)
• money (not working next semester, housing, travel, etc.)
• my thoughts (fantasies, morbid reflection, suicidal thoughts, etc.)

and now i need to take action... this semester i have drifted so far away from any sort of dependence on a power greater than myself, and this is where it has gotten me--desperate, depressed, heartbroken, and hopeless. i'm not a religious person by any sense of the word... but without a belief in a higher power i am lost and am bound to commit the same mistakes of the past. i never, ever want to go there again. and i hate that it takes a state of utter despair to make me willing. but what can i say, i'm a stubborn unteachable motherfucker.

so, a prayer for the night--excuse the biblical overtones--the message is one i need to remember, and is one of my favorites:

god

i offer myself to thee, to build with me, and to do with me as thou wilt

relieve me of the bondage of self, that i may better do thy will

take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those i would help

of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life

may i do thy will always

inquiry

so i've been looking at other blogs, and began to wonder... what is it that people like to see in the blogs they read? what would get more than 6 people to follow by blog/make sure those 6+ people continue to be interested in reading it? so, friends, anonymous or not--what would you like to see me post more about? what would be interesting/intriguing to you? i created a poll on the right hand side of the page in which you can vote--and of course you are welcome to comment anytime with suggestions. most blogs are horribly boring and i want to make sure this is not one of them.

rose

life is a story don't you doubt

[[some of the most genuine lyrics i have ever heard... he really is one of my favorite songwriters. i hope that you can get a chance to hear him sing it, or at least listen to it, it really is meant to be heard, but i believe is enjoyable read none the less. thank you for turning my night around jeff lewis]]

Jeffrey Lewis--Life (lyrics)

Life is a story don't you doubt

Bad times give you something to talk about

The next time you feel you're all worn out

Remember life is a story

Don't you doubt

It only takes a day for everything to turn around

Love is a story they tell to you

But the way they tell it ain't quite true

You'll wake up one day and you're twenty-two

You'll know love was just a story they told to you

Love takes a lot of work like everything else you're gonna do

Friends are just the people that you can talk with

Some to talk about that some to talk about this

But everyone changes and forever is a myth

Friends are just the people that you can talk with

A lot of them'll leave but only a few you're gonna miss

School is the place where I did my growing

They fill your brain to overflowing

They tell you this is all stuff you need to be knowing

School is the place where I did my growing

Just when I got to like it it was time to be going

The world is the place where it all happens

They draw lines on it and call it a map

In between every line's a different flag flapping

The world is the place where it all happens

Six billion people all taking turns eating in a napkin

Animals are critters just like you and me

The only difference is that they don't worry

About things that they can't smell or see

Animals are critters just like you and me

So we buy pants and deodorants and claim not to be

Songs are just something to waste your time

I listen to yours and you listen to mine

Before we know it the day's gone by

Songs are just something to waste your time

So is everything else so do whatever makes you feel fine

God's just a story someone made up long ago

Before they had books and tv shows

I don't believe in him and I ain't afraid to say so

You know god's just a story someone made up long ago

But it's hard not to be superstitious despite all you know

Everyone's born and everyone dies

Everyone has a time and wonders why

The ocean's blue so is the sky

Everyone's born and everyone dies

The old lady cries, the new baby cries...or sighs

Kisses are weird but they can be fun

Instead of shaking hands it's like shaking tongues

I wish I got to do it more when I was young

Kisses are weird but they can be fun

I hate going months and months without kissing anyone

At this point it's been since uh...how many months

1 2 3 4 5 6...7

I think if kissing someone could make them pregnant

The last person I kissed would have had their kid by now

* laugh *

Dreams are weird but they can be fun too

They happen more often than kisses it's true

In some I was naked and in some I flew

Dreams are weird but they can be fun too

I wonder if you're dreaming about me when I'm dreaming about you

Now that you heard everything I said

There ain't nothing new inside your head

If you want, disregard it all go ahead

Now that you've heard everything I said

There are probably one or two things you coulda been doing instead

Life is a story don't you doubt

Bad times give you something to talk about

The next time you feel you're all worn out

Remember life is a story

Don't you doubt

It only takes a day for everything to turn around

meh

i think i'm going to just lay in my bed all night til i fall asleep. i dont feel like doing much of anything else.

handjobs for the holidays

so, it's about that time of the year when i create my winter-themed playlist. here it is! if you want a copy, let me know, i can burn it for you on a data disc or you can come by with a flash-drive/ipod. i hope you enjoy--70 songs long, but every song had a place. let me know if there is a song that you feel is totally out of place, i take my playlists very seriously, and input is always appreciated! well, without further ado, here it is:

Handjobs for the Holidays

1. yo la tengo--tears are in your eyes
2. wilco--poor places
3. voxtrot--blood red blood
4. tilly and the wall--let it rain
5. spiritualized--the waves crash in
6. sparklehorse--see the light
7. slowdive--celia's dream
8. sigur ros--samskeyti
9. saves the day--hold
10. the raveonettes--lust
11. okkervil river--listening to otis redding at home during christmas
12. neva dinova--poison
13. neva dinova--on/off
14. neutral milk hotel--a baby for pree
15. neko case--dirty knife
16. neil young--oh, lonesome me
17. my morning jacket--chills (demo)
18. my morning jacket--bermuda highway (demo)
19. múm--the land between solar systems
20. the microphones--sand (eric's trip)
21. the microphones--the pull
22. the microphones--i felt your shape
23. mates of state--these days
24. m83--coloring the void
25. m. ward--outta my head
26. the lucksmiths--fiction
27. the lucksmiths--paper planes
28. karen 0 and the kids--hidaway
29. karen o and the kids--worried shoes
30. joanna newsom--swansea
31. iron and wine--lion's mane
32. grizzly bear--marla
33. grizzly bear--disappearing act
34. grandaddy--underneath the weeping willow
35. the good life--inmates
36. galaxie 500--snowstorm
37. fleet foxes--icicle tusk
38. the fiery furnaces--benton harbor blues
39. elliott smith--angel in the snow
40. elf power--rising and falling in a little world
41. dr. dog--heaven
42. dirty projectors--two doves
43. devendra banhart--when they come
44. death cab for cutie--scientist studies
45. daniel johnston--some things last a long time
46. built to spill--some things last a long time
47. broken social scene--pitter patter goes my heart
48. broken social scene--shampoo suicide
49. broken social scene--almost crimes
50. broken social scene--handjobs for the holidays
51. british sea power--no need to cry
52. bright eyes--landlocked blues
53. breathe owl breathe--run off
54. bonnie 'prince' billy--easy does it
55. bon iver--for emma
56. bishop allen--choose again
57. billie holiday--body and soul
58. big star--i'm in love with a girl
59. belle and sebastian--belle and sebastian
60. belle and sebastian--nothing in silence
61. beach house--zebra
62. beach house--heart of chambers
63. beach house--lovelier girl
64. badly drawn boy--blistered heart
65. arcade fire--in the backseat
66. andrew bird--weather systems
67. the album leaf--over the pond
68. akron/family--italy
69. air--bathroom girl
70. adam green--musical ladders

(5 hours 9 minutes 21 seconds--meant to be listened to on shuffle)