Thursday, December 3, 2009

step 3, perhaps?

my life is so fucking unmanageable. i feel powerless over everything--it feels like an avalanche of rocks is tumbling down on me and all i can do is wait to get crushed. i think it's time to get back to basics, and make a list. what can i say, i'm a list person. pro's and con's list especially.

things i am powerless over:
  • other people (their choices, actions, feelings, behavior, etc.)
  • my depression
  • my body (hunger, fatigue, desire, my weight/shape, etc.)
  • school
  • my mood (moods swings, loneliness, etc.)
  • money (not working next semester, housing, travel, etc.)
  • my thoughts (fantasies, morbid reflection, suicidal thoughts, etc.)
and now i need to take action... this semester i have drifted so far away from any sort of dependence on a power greater than myself, and this is where it has gotten me--desperate, depressed, heartbroken, and hopeless. i'm not a religious person by any sense of the word... but without a belief in a higher power i am lost and am bound to commit the same mistakes of the past. i never, ever want to go there again. and i hate that it takes a state of utter despair to make me willing. but what can i say, i'm a stubborn unteachable motherfucker.

so, a prayer for the night--excuse the biblical overtones--the message is one i need to remember, and is one of my favorites:

i offer myself to thee, to build with me, and to do with me as thou wilt
relieve me of the bondage of self, that i may better do thy will
take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those i would help
of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life
may i do thy will always

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