does anybody actually read this? i mean, i guess i write for myself more than anything else but, still, guess it would be nice to think people were interested.
i have such anger in my heart right now... an anger that
moves straight into deep longing into forgiveness and back into rage. i need to get past it. i fucking need to, because i can't be on this roller-coaster for much longer. it's just... the crazy, selfish alcoholic that i am, i still think that i know what's best. i can't just let it be and trust that everyone is being taken care of. i just wish that i wasn't able to love in any meaningful way. so much of life would be different. and right now that is all i want, to not be able to love like i seem to always do.
and the saddest thing is that no one has ever been in love with me. no one has ever felt the way i have felt in the same way i have felt about them. i am 20 years old and no one has ever said 'rose, i'm falling in love with you'. and i know that life is supposed to be long and i'll have plenty of time to love, but really, who knows how long we'll be here? how much longer i could be
alive? i don't want to die without being in love with someone who is in love with me back. the thought of it makes my body ache.