Thursday, December 24, 2009

nearly christmas

does anybody actually read this? i mean, i guess i write for myself more than anything else but, still, guess it would be nice to think people were interested.

i have such anger in my heart right now... an anger that
moves straight into deep longing into forgiveness and back into rage. i need to get past it. i fucking need to, because i can't be on this roller-coaster for much longer. it's just... the crazy, selfish alcoholic that i am, i still think that i know what's best. i can't just let it be and trust that everyone is being taken care of. i just wish that i wasn't able to love in any meaningful way. so much of life would be different. and right now that is all i want, to not be able to love like i seem to always do.

and the saddest thing is that no one has ever been in love with me. no one has ever felt the way i have felt in the same way i have felt about them. i am 20 years old and no one has ever said 'rose, i'm falling in love with you'. and i know that life is supposed to be long and i'll have plenty of time to love, but really, who knows how long we'll be here? how much longer i could be
alive? i don't want to die without being in love with someone who is in love with me back. the thought of it makes my body ache.


  1. Just wanted to let you know, i read it. I also really like the CD you made me. Brightened up my holidays. I wish I could say something substantial, but it's 6:30 in the morning and I got nothing, other than that I went through a depression a few years ago and got myself out of it, am always a little scared of it coming back, but I've been doing fine I think. I wish I could tell you a miracle way to feel better but there really isn't one, and it took me a lot of focusing and epiphanies and thinking and loving. Hang in there.

    Merry Christmas, too.

    -Laura St. Martin

  2. I read your blog, Rose.
    I really relate to this entry. It makes me sad, but I trust that both of us will find love some day soon.


  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. I read rose. Keep your chin up. Your life's gonna be beautiful, I can feel it.