Thursday, December 24, 2009

nearly christmas


does anybody actually read this? i mean, i guess i write for myself more than anything else but, still, guess it would be nice to think people were interested.

i have such anger in my heart right now... an anger that
moves straight into deep longing into forgiveness and back into rage. i need to get past it. i fucking need to, because i can't be on this roller-coaster for much longer. it's just... the crazy, selfish alcoholic that i am, i still think that i know what's best. i can't just let it be and trust that everyone is being taken care of. i just wish that i wasn't able to love in any meaningful way. so much of life would be different. and right now that is all i want, to not be able to love like i seem to always do.

and the saddest thing is that no one has ever been in love with me. no one has ever felt the way i have felt in the same way i have felt about them. i am 20 years old and no one has ever said 'rose, i'm falling in love with you'. and i know that life is supposed to be long and i'll have plenty of time to love, but really, who knows how long we'll be here? how much longer i could be
alive? i don't want to die without being in love with someone who is in love with me back. the thought of it makes my body ache.

4 comments:

  1. Just wanted to let you know, i read it. I also really like the CD you made me. Brightened up my holidays. I wish I could say something substantial, but it's 6:30 in the morning and I got nothing, other than that I went through a depression a few years ago and got myself out of it, am always a little scared of it coming back, but I've been doing fine I think. I wish I could tell you a miracle way to feel better but there really isn't one, and it took me a lot of focusing and epiphanies and thinking and loving. Hang in there.

    Merry Christmas, too.

    -Laura St. Martin

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  2. I read your blog, Rose.
    I really relate to this entry. It makes me sad, but I trust that both of us will find love some day soon.


    -CLD

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  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  4. I read rose. Keep your chin up. Your life's gonna be beautiful, I can feel it.

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